• Ephesians 2:10 •
I start out every new year with a birthday. Just 5 days into a new year, the number that defines my time here on earth goes up. Honestly, it doesn't really feel like the new year begins until after my birthday. I don't like to go back to work before then. I don't tend to try to start resolutions before then. I just give myself the birthday gift of an extra 5 days of rest and celebration.
I also tend to do a lot of reflecting on those days. Reflection - in a more honest sense, often ruminating, comes pretty naturally to me. I love the movie Inside Out because I can remember, in my own maturing, when my islands of personality fell and were rebuilt. And I take notice of my islands of personality crashing within me even today.
My 33rd year held a lot of crashing and rebuilding.
It was 2019 and I had gotten back into regular counseling. The day's topic was the miscarriage I had recently experienced, and further processing of the sudden death of my cousin's husband a few months prior. I was choking back tears (because even in counseling then, I didn't feel permission to cry) and told her, "I just don't feel like I can really wade into these experiences because how on earth will I trust God's goodness when I do?"
When we say “faith over fear” are we actually saying “my fear over your fear?” Today, I have genuinely been asking myself this question and others. Is my position truly faith-based, or fear-based? Have I ranked my fears into what’s most terrifying to me, helping me determine my course of action, or am I truly placing my faith in God? Also, is it ok to rank my fears to help make my choices?
