Humans are so weird, right?
We have a consciousness and we love it and hate it; and want everyone to know what it thinks, and then feel insecure about those thoughts all at the same time.
I was driving to my weekly creative space and really taking note of a bumper sticker, and it hit me. Bumper stickers are so dang weird. We humans want to be heard and known so deeply that we’ll slap our thoughts on the back of a car.
The internet is full of those of us who want to share our thoughts, maybe too full sometimes.
We humans, we value our voices.
Most of us.
I’ve struggled for years now, deeper than I knew, to value and give weight to my own voice. To make the thing God put inside of me known - even to myself. I fall for the lie that no one cares, no one asks, no one needs to hear. I will say and do what I think you want. What might sustain my family in an acceptable way. I will say that for a while and fall silent because no one affirms it. Then it’s a vicious cycle of lies:
I won’t talk because no one cares. No one asks. Oh here was a pretty cool thing I learned, and it fits who I’m supposed to be. Ok I will say this because it’s what they want to hear, it will benefit them. No one said anything about what I said. I won’t talk because no one cares. No one asks…
It’s been the cycle of my adulthood.
Recently, I realize that I’ve been buried. For years. Buried. Buried by myself. Buried by my circumstances. Buried by culture. By my pain. By my fears. Buried. And now God is unearthing me.
In His fantastic and fascinating grace. In His gentle call towards growth. In His strong and nurturing hands. He’s pulling me back to the surface and it’s terrifying.
Still there’s a deep lie I believe. No one cares. No one asks. No one wants what you have put inside of me. They buried it.
He asks. He excavates my soul. He reveals truths through pain and pleasure. He cradles me and tells me, “You, child, are my masterpiece and this is what I’ve put in you. So speak.”
I’m wrestling with that. Is it ego or God? Am I brave enough to unleash my own voice? Will it even matter?!
God says to me, “Speak. Write. Unleash.”
His fingerprint is on each of our souls. Mine too.